The start of each new year stirs reflections of the last and serves to remind us of the very real passage of time. It is a time when we find ourselves sorting through these reflections so that we may improve our individual and collective futures.
Until the recent past, talking openly about the realities of death and dying was close to taboo. It remains difficult and challenging to discuss; often we find ourselves sidestepping certain words or phrases or avoiding the topic of loss altogether. Attempting to shield children from the realities of loss and the difficulties of grief is always done with loving intentions, but the outcomes of this shielding may cause more confusion or latent pain for children. Grief is universal. It is an unfortunate fact of life. At one point or another, each and every one of us will grieve. When children experience grief, they often have a much more difficult time making sense of these tough emotions.
Our children have many more years ahead of them; how grief and loss are dealt with in their environment are important pieces of the groundwork laid as children are raised and become grownups themselves. Meditating on children's grief may seem like a rather gloomy way to begin a year, but it is incredibly important to introduce this topic, to listen to children and to allow them to lead them where they need to go.
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Open Hands and Hearts
Listed below are books and activities that can be accommodated for use in situations where a child has experienced loss or other types of trauma. You'll also find an extended list of resources following DeeDee's Bibliotherapy Corner.
Chester Raccoon and the Acorn Full of Memories
by Audrey Penn
Chester does not understand what happened to his friend/classmate, Skiddil Squirrel. "An accident is something that happens that isn't supposed to happen," Mrs. Raccoon thoughtfully explains to little Chester Raccoon.
Mrs. Raccoon provides simple, honest answers that are useful for children to come to terms with loss. She suggests positive outlets for understanding grief, like making memories and sharing them with loved ones. This book approaches one of the most difficult subjects with a semblance of lightheartedness that acknowledges the hardship of loss while choosing to embrace a positive outlook. The vibrantly colorful illustrations create a cheerful environment that highlights the wonders of this world; the same world that requires us all to feel grief also offers many beautiful things.
Chester Raccoon is written by Audrey Penn, the same author as the New York Times bestseller, The Kissing Hand.
Most Helpful For: Lower Elementary School (K-3)
Find out more
INTERVENTION: This book deals with cherishing the memories of a loved one lost. Mom asks Chester what his friend Skiddil liked. He loved butterflies and his favorite place to play was the butterfly pond. As they headed towards the pond to make a memory, they were joined by other forest animal friends of Skiddil. When they arrived, there were butterflies flying all around and the animals shared their stories and memories.
Kids can either create their own butterfly or click here for a butterfly template to use with this activity. In each section, children can color, draw, and/or write out a memory. This sensory-based activity often inspires children to spontaneously share their thoughts and feelings about their special memories. |
 Angel Catcher For Kids: A Journal to Help You Remember the Person You Love Who Died
by Amy Eldon
Angel Catcher provides a safe place for children
to express their emotions and embrace their memories. This compassionate
journal encourages children to fill in the pages at their own pace. It features
separate, useful introductions for both "grownups" and kids, which make it a
great resource for use in a therapeutic practice or the home. Try opening up
the journal to any page, each provides an expressive opportunity to put their
treasured memories onto a page. This journal acts as a springboard for
conversation with open-ended statements and questions facilitating open sharing
of thoughts and feelings.
Most Helpful For: All Ages
Find out more
 Remember Crystal by Sebastian Loth
Crystal lived in the garden for a very long time
and had grown old. Her best friend, Zelda came to see her every day. The
closest of friends, Zelda and Crystal did everything together. One day, Crystal
was not in the garden and Zelda was saddened to find out she had died. Remembering Crystal follows Zelda high
and low, near and far, on her way to coming to terms with losing her best
friend. Zelda, like many very young children, is unable to fully understand the
reality of losing Crystal. With the help of others, her disbelief eventually
leads to sadness and acceptance. This book is absolutely gorgeous and sure to
be loved by children and adults alike.
Most Helpful For: Preschool through Early Elementary School
 Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck Deklyen with
illustrations by Taylor BillsTear Soup touches
on the feelings felt that are often indescribable during the grieving process.
The thoughtful, direct prose and detailed illustrations come together for a
beautifully abstract story that teens and adults will surely find relatable. Tear
Soup shares the story of how Grandy copes after suffering a loss in her life. The back of the
book provides Grandy's "recipe"
for Tear Soup to aid the healing and grieving process.
Most Helpful For: Upper Elementary Adults
| INTERVENTION: On pre-cut cardstock tear drops, participants record their teary memories, tears of happiness, tears of anger, & tears of sadness. These teardrop ingredients include their thoughts and emotions. Individuals can share aloud or not as they put each tearful memory into a pot. Once all the tears are in the pot use a kitchen utensil such as a ladel or large spoon to stir the ingredients. |
Becky and her brother John were best buddies. They did everything together from playing soccer to walking home from school. One day everything changes when John dies. Becky and her family must learn to adjust to new life without John being around. Always My Brother shows how loss affects even the seemingly most simple things like where family members sit during dinner. The book never identifies how Becky's family lost John which makes this a resource appropriate for any type of loss.
Most Helpful for: Upper Elementary Middle School
 Invisible String by Patrice Kearst with Illustrations by Geoff Stevenson
This simple book captivates the most basic fears of children in a heartwarming way. Twins Liza and Jeremy are frightened by the storm without their mother's presence. When they find her, she explains how her love means she is always with them because they are connected by an invisible string. The children, perplexed, wonder how we know the string is there if it's invisible? Liza and Jeremy's mother assures them, "Even though you can't see it with your eyes, you can feel it with your heart and know that you are always connected to everyone you love." The Invisible String is a sweeping classic, providing comfort for children of every walk of life. This book is a great resource for children dealing with any type of separation, including grief and loss, separation anxiety, deployment, incarceration and many others.
Age Group: Preschool through Upper Elementary School
 Creative Interventions with Traumatized Children edited by Cathy Malchiodi
This therapeutic handbook offers an in-depth exploration of different creative modes of coping with trauma using a wide range of sensory-based
interventions such as play, art, music, bibliotherapy, etc into the healing process. It becomes decidedly clear that art, story, puppets, clay, dance, sandtray and other non-verbal methods often actually give voice to what cannot be "spoken". Creative Interventions is practical and easy to follow with numerous examples to reference. This volume really is a must-read for practitioners of expressive therapies who care for children who may have suffered parental loss, child abuse, accidents, family violence, bullying or other traumas. For a similar approach with a more detailed assessment, see Trauma-Informed Practices with Children and Adolescents
edited by Cathy Malchiodi and William Steele. Most Helpful For: Professionals
Helping Bereaved Children edited by Nancy Boyd Webb
This practitioner's guidebook begins with a developmental framework that captures children's views about death. Numerous clinical forms and assessment tools are provided covering a wide range of losses which include sections on the death of a family member (both anticipated and unanticipated), and death in the community (including school-related deaths). Readers will find each chapter filled with details on different expressive therapies concluding with discussion questions and role-play exercises. Diverse therapeutic modalities are shared with practitioners to encourage them to recognize the necessity of adapting/modifying an approach for each situation. The section on compassion fatigue (also known as secondary victimization) and self-care is especially valuable for clinicians who work in the trauma field.
Most Helpful For: Novice and Seasoned Practitioners
DeeDee's Bibliotherapy Corner
Umbrella Summer tells the story of Annie Richards, who is always careful even if it means
wearing a helmet in the car or giving up some of her favorite things, like bike
races and hot dogs on the Fourth of July. Everyone keeps telling Annie not to
worry so much and that's everything's alright. She thought everything was
alright with her brother Jared too, but even though he was happy and healthy,
Jared died.
Annie dons a sort of
protective armor which begins to negatively affect her relationships with those
around her. She carries a metaphor-laden umbrella around everywhere and covers
imaginary wounds with band-aids instead of working through the real emotional
wounds caused by losing her sibling.
When a new neighbor moves to Annie's street, Annie cannot believe the elderly woman doesn't give her the "dead brother
look" when she talks to her. The woman helps Annie realize that her
careful strategies aren't working out the way Annie has planned. Through the help of the elderly
neighbor and other special people in her life, she is able to choose to close
her protective umbrella and walk out into the sunshine again.
Even though Umbrella Summer deals with the death of a
sibling, the emotional responses could be applicable to the death of any family member. The characters are so well-written and
believable, one minute they might be smiling but the next choking back
tears. Kids will find the characters and
their scenarios easy to identify with
and relatable.
This ability to identify with Annie and her family situation
is important because it normalizes children's thoughts and feelings, taking
away the "I'm going crazy" feeling. Umbrella Summer provides the
opportunity to see the coping strategies of these fictional characters and then "try on" some of the
behaviors for themselves.
This book
points out how details that seem small
can be the most painful. Loss of rituals is often one of the hardest things to
overcome for a grieving family. They may have to figure out how to do the
things they have been doing, for what feels like forever, in a completely new
way. For instance, after Jared dies
Annie waits patiently week after week for her and her father's Sunday morning ritual. Dad would call Annie
over by the nickname he's given her, Moonbeam, and request her assistance with
his crossword puzzle. Readers can really feel the unintentional hurt kids often experience from
grieving parents. Annie also gets hung
up on her brother's upcoming birthday, struggling with the reality that her
brother will always be the same age from now on. Jared was always 2 years older
than her, but now she will be older than him in two years.
Dreading
Jared's birthday, Annie and her
brother's best friend come up with the perfect way to celebrate her brother's birthday.
They create a flyer that proclaims in
giant letters at the top, "Happy Birthday Jared!" On the flyer, they write that they'll always remember him and
then they list some ways to remember him. After that, they also leave blank
lines for others to fill in. This is a great jumping off point for an activity.
There is a sample below, but practitioners will find it easily adaptable to the
needs of each individual. It doesn't even have to be for birthdays, this could
be helpful for any sort of holiday or special occasion. Highlighting positive
memories and rituals can be extremely helpful for healing.
Show less
Happy Birthday _________________________!!
From
____________________________________
_________________ was a___(relationship to person, i.e. good friend and brother)________
Today, (date)____ is his _____( 12th birthday)
Here are some ways to remember him:
1. Eat Jared's favorite kind of ice cream (chocolate chip
with crumbled up animal crackers)
2. Play the burrito game (Annie will teach you how if you
don't already know it).
3.
4.
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Additional Valuable Resources for Grief, Loss, and Trauma:
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Companioning the Grieving Child: A Soulful Guide for Caregivers by Alan D. Wolfelt
Tough Boris by Mem Fox with Illustrations by Kathryn Brown
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